There's crazy, then there's this guy: Steven Cousineau "aka Dusty Roads," part-time floor installer and full-time raving madman. Or is he? (Protip: he is. He so totally is)
The first time we see "Dusty," he's wearing a shirt emblazoned with the words "future billionaire." On anyone else, that might come off as excessively cocky or even arrogant. But not Dusty Roads! For reasons that will soon become clear, "Dusty" knows this will be true.
The next shot is of him pushing on the doors to the Judges' room, muttering to himself about how he's going to tear the door down. The narrator says he's "enthusiastic," but this is mere understatement. Dusty starts bellowing to the cameraman about how badass he is, how he's going to win, and that the doors to the Judges lead into the future. Meanwhile, they cut away to the other contestants looking at him in shock and horror. He then goes back to pounding on the doors like a junkie looking to score his next fix.
Now we finally get to see Dusty's genius invention, the one he's sure will make him the champion of this contest and change the world forever. He wheels in a bicycle he calls the "A-cycle, the most dynamic bicycle in the world." He then digs out two more wheels claiming that they're "shields." He puts one next to the bike's front wheel, exclaiming "50%!" then another by the back wheel, "50%! Now the bicycle is 100% more safe!" How the bicycle is somehow safe with two extra wheels leaning against it is not explained, but that's just because we're not awesome enough to understand! For you see, Dusty proclaims that "it's the most intense ride you'll ever take!"
When asked if he invented a special bike, he answers "no." Confused, the judges ask what he actually invented, and he says, "my invention is the wheel!"
Yeah, fuck you, cavemen! What've you got now, rocks and sharp sticks? You see, Dusty's so full of awesome that he transcends linear temporal existence. He's made the space-time continuum his bitch and invented the wheel tens of thousands of years after it's already been invented! Take that, causality!
"I invented the wheels of change. They're exactly what America's looking for right now, and I'm proud of 'em!"
After a moment of stunned silence, one judge has the temerity to ask Dusty if he could find anything on the market that would be competitive to his wheels. Dusty smacks him in the mouth verbally by proclaiming, "I am the competition!" To mere mortals, that response wouldn't make any sense or logic, but that's because you don't exist simultaneously in the past, present and future like Dusty does. He's everywhere, therefore he's competing against himself! That's why he knows he's going to win, because he's everyone in the competition all at once! I think i just gave myself a headache...
Undaunted, the judges continue to press him on why his wheels are so special. Dusty shows them mercy and explains, "this wheel has a subliminal safety signal built into it." He spins one wheel, "when this bike stops, those wheels keep spinning to send a message out to the environment to be safe on the road!" See, Dusty wants to make sure that trees and rocks and squirrels know that...uh....wait, what?
The foolish judges, with their painfully limited linear existence, callously vote no on Dusty's genius. You can see the fury and utter disbelief in his face as each turns him down. After all of them vote no, Dusty is flabbergasted. FLABBERGASTED!
"Are you serious? This is about saving and changing lives...that haven't even been born yet!" Aha! So he's trying to save the future by changing the past and...I've gone cross-eyed
So the judges politely ask him to leave. But Dusty just stands there in disbelief. So they ask again, and Dusty continues to stand there like someone who just got dumped at the prom. "You guys just don't want to do this, huh? You don't see anything here, this is just a hunk o' junk?" The judges, fearing for their puny mortal lives, say "no, no!" the way a man does when his wife asks him if she looks fat in an outfit.
After being led out by security, Dusty says, "don't worry, I ain't gonna snap, guys!" Obviously, because you snapped years ago...
Don't worry about ol' Dusty Roads. I hear he's hard at work inventing fire as we speak.
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