Originally posted July 11, 2009
Man, American Inventor has to have the craziest bunch of wackos any reality TV show has ever had. Even moreso than American Idol and its ilk. Seriously, this thing is a gold mine for observational comedy. I'd ask why no one has told me about this show before, but it's on ABC, and nobody actually watches ABC.
Anthony Steffan's invention may not be as disgusting as Hector Ortega's piss poncho, but it's still insane. My friends, I present to you Anthony's "Perfect Pet Petter"
Right off the bat, we can see Mr. Steffan is a total fruitcake. He starts rambling on about pets' psychological needs and then somehow segues into how humans are becoming more intelligent before the judges wisely cut him off. This is the kind of non-sequitor only madmen make because they've spent too long peering into the abyss of their own insanity. Or they've been sniffing glue. I'm not sure which.
So they tell his ass to get on with it. They ask at about 0:33, "what does it do?" Anthony then rambles on about its optional features, gibbering on about motion detectors and timers without actually explaining what those features relate to. So they ask, firmly, again. "What does it do?" To which Mr. Steffan finally answers, "it'll pet your dog."
He then activates it around 0:51, unleashing robotic horror for any canine in earshot. The mannequin hand hot-glued to the machine jerks erratically back and forth while a loud, booming voice declares unemotionally "THAT'S A GOOD BOY YOU'RE A GOOD BOY I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD BOY COME HERE KISS KISS" in an endless loop. I don't know what kind of dogs Mr. Steffan has been around, but any dog I've ever seen would shit bricks the minute the robo-yelling started. What dog would be stupid enough to equate a screaming box with a mannequin hand jutting out of it with the human their missing anyway?
Mr. Steffan proudly proclaims, "it's phenominal!" despite the faces of the judges curling up in fear and disgust as any dog would upon the activation of the canine-torture device. At 1:12, the judges have mercy upon us and canines around the world and ask him to turn it off, the hollow bellowing trails away in a stuttering fade "YOU'RE A GOOD BOY I LO-LO-LO-LO....."
After berating him for his stupidity and wasting time, he goes off spouts awful poetry and then has the audacity to compare himself to the likes of Thomas Edison.
"Gone again, away from home.
Poor little pet, left all alone...
[awkward pause]
Don't be afraid, have no fear!
The Perfect Pet Petter is here!"
"They laughed at Thomas Edison, too. But I'll be laughing all the way to the bank! Ha ha"
He didn't laugh at the end there, he actually says, "ha ha" I'm pretty sure Edison wasn't laughed at, either. He actually came up with useful ideas at the right time in history, and his shit actually worked. And even if people did laugh at Edison, he'd still laugh at Anthony Steffan and his animal audio torture machine.
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