Best of MySpace blogs part 5: Invention FAIL

Originally posted July 10, 2009

So I was enjoying Seanbaby's second coming of awesome on Cracked.com. He wrote a blog about The most glorious failures in reality TV. It was classic Seanbaby material, some of his best. Unfortunately, since he had to break it down into a list, he had to split his acerbic wit among 10 targets. I felt that #6, American Inventor's Hector Ortega was enough of a fail that the entire blog could have been about him. So I've decided to do a full breakdown of Mr. Ortega's nutbar invention as well as his delusional zeal over it.

First off, here's the full clip:


Now, for the scathing commentary!

Okay, right at 0:53, Hector asks, "what do you do when you desperately need to do number one, but there are no bathrooms available?"

Alright, first of all, nobody over the age of 5 calls it "number one" unless they're talking to people under the age of 5.

Secondly, the answer to this question should be "go behind a bush/alley/tree/rock/etc." But it's not, obviously, because this is an invention show. Cue ridiculously overcomplicated solution to a simple problem: the Bladder Buddy!

From 1:04 to 1:52, Hector does a demonstration of the product: don it like a cloak, zip it up so it looks like your head is sticking out of a body bag, then proceed to urinate into a pouch on the inside of the bag. He explains that the appeal is that "no one can see what you're doing!" Okay, but you're hiding what you're doing in the most conspicuous way possible. Who wouldn't shoot a strange glance at some nut standing in a full-body condom? Does it muffle sound too? Because I'm sure anyone nearby giving him strange looks could probably hear him pissing in that thing...and then even if the sound of piss is muffled, the inevitable post-urination body shiver would give away what he was doing. That's not even getting into the fact that if it somehow became mass-produced, everyone would know what you were in and what you were doing, even if they couldn't see it directly.

Then you fold it up and put it in a bag and carry it with you! Who wants to carry their waste with them? Is that somehow more convenient that peeing behind a bush?

But it gets crazier! 1:53-2:06 he points out that it can come in different colors! And "if you really want to get fancy" it can come in leather and rhinestones! Hey, looking to draw more attention to yourself while you're trying to hide the fact that you're urinating in public? Try covering your piss-cloak in shiny things!

But that's just a precursor to the crowning moment of insanity here, at 2:07, Hector asks, "what about women?" and introduces us to the Bladder Buddy's optional vagina module! Yes, that's right. Hector made a "funnel-like thing" that looks suspiciously like a coffee filter that a woman can put in her ladyparts and pee in public just like a man! Sisters are doing it for themselves! This must be why he included the "leather and rhinestones" option: because if you're going to pee standing up in public with a coffee filter jammed up your hoohah, you might as well look FABULOUS while doing it, right ladies?

The show's judges ask him, at 2:23, if he's actually used it. He replies that he "tried it once at a bus stop" and that while they could tell he was doing something "unusual" they couldn't tell what he was doing. First of all, if you're going to judge people's reactions to public urination, I don't think a New York City bus stop is the most....unbiased place in the world to do so. Hell, he was probably standing in day-old dried piss while he was "testing" his "invention." Secondly, they were looking at you weird because you were standing around with your head sticking out of a giant plastic bag!

Naturally, the judges unanimously reject this ludicrous invention. Hector, still delusional, says he's "confused" that they think it's a "joke." Really? You're confused, Hector? You're confused. I'm confused that you never once stopped to think that your invention was overly complicated, unmarketable, and completely conspicuous. You invented a giant body condom to piss in and then take with you when you're done, when you could just as easily run into a store, behind a bush, or whatever. There's no part of that that isn't batshit insane.

The comedy even continues into the youtube comments! When someone came up with the same sarcastic answer I had to Hector's "number one" question (go in an alley), one person replied with "but the cops can arrest you for that because it's public urination!" Right. Can you show me the city codes that say wearing a Dracula Pee Cape means you're no longer in public?

Or the softies who say "what if he has a bladder problem? didn't think about that, did you, you big sarcastic jerks!" Actually, I did. They invented something for people with bladder problems: adult diapers. Are adult diapers humiliating? I'm sure they are, but at least they're inconspicuous. Everyone is going to look at you inside a pee tent, and if it were sold in stores, everyone would know what it is and what you were doing.

And really, where are you going to be where there's no bathroom available, but you can't go behind a building or a bush? The desert? If you're lost in the desert, you have bigger problems than someone seeing you take a piss.